The Green Thumb

Its about that time of the year.

it starts to warm up, and i immediately feel the need to do something with my plants. 

Ive always had fear of failure, and I've pretty much mastered the plants that I've had for years. 

Ive killed them several times, but they keep staying alive randomly 6 months later without any additional care. For some reason.

Ive managed to not only keep them alive for the last 3 years, but they are flourishing.

Yesterday, I decided to branch out of my comfort zone, and do something that I've wanted to do every year. I have refused to allow myself to plant flowers from a seed because of my fear that I wont see the fruit of my labor.

So what did i do yesterday? 

Bought flowers that were already blooming:)

This also reminded me that I probably need to replant my existing plants, into some new soil.

Its funny how i can start a project, and turn on some music and God starts to speak to me in unexpected ways. 

This plant looks pretty good! 

Its beautiful, its thriving. I've been watering it regularly over the last year. Gets plenty of indirect sunlight that causes it keep growing and producing. All which are external.

I absolutely enjoy nothing about changing the soil out of my plants, but today was different.

The first thing I noticed as i began this task, was that the old soil was so hard and cracked. 

I tried to turn the plant upside down to shake it out of the pot, but had no luck. I had to water to it, to initially soften the soil, just to get it out of the pot.

Next came, having to physically crumble the hard soil with my hands and break it all apart, to release the vines and roots. This is a big plant.

It took quite a while. Some parts where easier than others.  

The parts that were the easiest, were the ones at the very top. 

Where the most air and sunlight were exposed.

The most challenging was toward the very bottom. 

where all of the roots had been entangling deep in the soil, in the dark over the last year. 

It was difficult to remove the soil at the bottom, without damaging the soft long roots.

I then realized, i shouldn't have waited so long to change the soil out. 

As long as the process took, finally the soil that was no longer fertilizing my plants was removed from the roots. 

I'm gonna tell you right now, re-potting the soil in my plants is one of my LEAST favorite things in the world. Why do you think i only do it once a year?

I know deep down, if I just get over the fact that I have to purchase the soil, make a mess everywhere with said soils, and get my hands disgustingly dirty...My plants will eventually wither from improper care. 

It was challenging, messy, and it took up a lot of my time. Time that I could have used elsewhere.

Not only that, but then these tender, vulnerable roots were exposed to the environment.

Pouring the new soil in was the easy part. It feels good, and it looks  so much better.

But then came more challenges. 

The placement of each vine in the pot. 

 I realized all of the leafy vines from the top of the plant had all become entangled. 

Some of them were easy to figure out where they had sprouted.

Others where really long vines that all gotten caught up with each other in the soil removal process. And some actually connected completely to another vine on the other side of the pot. 

As this challenge came, yet another one as well.

So add that into figuring out the placement of where to sink these roots into the new soil. 

So that they weren't too close to the edges. So that it wouldn't stunt their growth and production. 

To put them in the spots that not only balance out the outside appearance of the plant,

but so they stay in line with each other. To avoid becoming entangled and

messy without me even knowing it. 

Once i was able to get the vines untangled, and put in a productive order

I was covered in dirt. It was exhausting. I wanted to give up.

I went inside, washed my hands off. Changed messy clothes.

But the end result was truly fulfilling.

As i placed it on the ground, i realized that without noticing a few of  the leaves broke off during the process.

Ones that I initially felt sad, and some sort of attachment that i lost a few "good" leaves.

But in the end, will I miss them?

No.

I will gain many, many more now that my plant is in good, healthy soil

that will fertilize my plant to its fullest potential.

Until the fertilizer runs out,

and i have to do it again.

I know deep down, if i was to change it on time

next time around, 

the soil will be softer.

It will break apart more easily.

I will remember which vines are attached to each other.

it will be greener.

it will be fuller.
it will have even more sprouts than this time.

and maybe next time, 

i can give some of my plant away

to someone.

Someone that it will bless.

So that they can do the same for someone else.

This is the exact process that I've been living over the last year 

of my life working the 12 steps at Celebrate Recovery.

Its not pleasant. Its hard. Sometimes exhausting.

Its painful sometimes.

But pain is never without purpose.

In order to grow, we must experience pain.

In the end, when we pick up the pieces of our hearts,

and our past.

 We can more easily make peace, and gain acceptance.

Knowing that the end result will be fulfilling.

We will gain more tools, and understanding of ourselves

and our past.

So that we have freedom to truly experience all that our

higher power has for us.

Beauty. growth. sharing.

Recovery isnt a destination.
Its a journey.
One that i will be on for the rest of my life.
No longer only existing,

But Truly LIVING.

Detours

Isnt that interesting? 

Life.

Life is constantly changing. 

Its unpredictable. 

Even when I think I might even have a little figured out,

I'm reminded how small I am.

I've been reading this great little book called 

"God never blinks"

I have decided that I want to meet this lady.

This lady that wrote this book.

I feel as though she wrote it just for me. 

Every single bit of it.

One thing that she said, 

that I had heard before 

If your a writer, then write.

If your a painter, then paint.

You can be whatever you want to be.

So choose something. 

And enjoy it.

I find it funny how certain inspiration comes 

at different times,

in different ways

in different people.

I have a tendency to get inspired to write

to process things.

Or when I'm sad

or mad.

I even picked up my guitar yesterday,

I missed it.

I'm a blogger.

so this is me blogging.

I will no longer allow my emotional ties

from my past,

define whether or not I post anymore. 

All I can think about lately is writing.

And it feels good.

This feels good.

Learning to embrace life's little detours.

Even if they cause me to be late,

or missed something I was hoping to have.

The detour allowed me to see something

I would have never seen before.

A back road that not only is beautiful,

but also caused me to appreciate

the main road.

the end

An overdue blog post~

I know. Wow. What's it been? November 11th. Last year.
3 days before God decided to change my life forever.
An event that was miraculously orchestrated for me. What an incredibly scary, but amazingly beautiful event. 
It happened to be the week that my sister arrived into town. We had a tattoo appointment planned together, several months in advance when she bought her airplane ticket. 
The day we got these.....

was the same day that I signed a lease for an apartment for me and my children to move in to.
How wonderfully significant this piece of art is to me.
At the time, I didn't really understand. I didn't understand how God could provide a way out for me away from my husband when I knew in my heart that God doesn't like divorce.
But the Lord knew my intentions, and he knew his.

Sometimes, I believe that God might call me to do something life-changing, just to see if I'm willing to put my trust in him. Completely.
Character development.
Its pretty amazing what happens when you fully rely on listening to the Holy Spirits direction.
Its so scary. But peaceful. Not terrifying, but fear of the unknown is more like it.
I recently spoke with a pastor that had inspired me. He talked about peace. That sometimes God chooses to reveal things with peace. I love it. Sometimes its just a small whisper of an answer, instead of a scream.
Ever since I was a child, there was several times that I saw miraculous things right before my eyes. This caused my faith to grow tremendously.
The blessings that I have received from taking such a leap of faith, and trusting has led me to the most amazing time in my life. Not necessarily the journey, its been rough, believe me. But to where I am now.

But its in the journey that I remember all of the people in my life that supported me all along the way. Through everything. Through my irrational, crazy, sometimes insane behavior.

I have a whole new view on family.

I know that God has such great plans for me and my kids. Ones that I'm unable to even fathom.
I always expect the absolute minimal out of God, and somehow he always seems to overflow my cup.

This is me. Happy. Blessed. Highly favored. Grateful.

Monica & David

I've heard of this movie ever since I've had Barrett. I'm glad I've waited till now to watch it. But even then, I still have mixed feelings about it.
Same thing about when I worked a booth at a local polo event this summer, that is centered around a program for people with disabilities.
It was the first event that I've ever really attended besides our local support group (consists mostly of children with down syndrome) that I would be around several adults with down syndrome.
My initial feelings: Hope. Hope that Barrett will one day grow up and have friends. Friends that he could attend functions with. Friends that he could sit around and joke with like the 4 guys drinking Dr. Pepper that I went up to and introduced myself to at polo. Hope that eventually there would be others like me, that would go and have a conversation with Barrett and his buddies even tho they are strangers. Just because they share something in common. Something as small as an extra chromosome, with their son who is just a baby.
But after being there a while. Staying until the band played. Dancing with everyone. I started to feel something different. Just like at the beginning of the movie. I laughed! I thought this couple that both had down syndrome were adorable, they made me smile! So much! But towards the end, came my mixed feelings. At the end of polo, no matter how much hope it had given me, at the end of the day....I still have a child that has a mental retardation.
There I said it. No matter how many friends Barrett has, how independant, or how high functioning Barrett can be....at the end of the day, my child will still have a handful of challenges to overcome.
In the movie...I thought it was so beautiful how these two people with down syndrome had fallen in love, and gotten married. Had friends. Had part time jobs. But at the end of the day, they still lived with her parents.
I also realize that at the end of the day, its also up to me to decide how independant I ALLOW Barrett to be. Monica's parents enjoyed taking care of her. And following her arround everywhere. And have her live with them. But when she wouldnt even allow the couple to head down to the beach by themselves, because there are strangers there...it made me realize that they also didnt have the opportunity to be as independant as they probably could have handled.
I guess I'm writing this because, when you bring light to a dark place...there is room for healing. This part of my heart has not healed yet. And I always think about all of my HOLLAND mom friends, and wonder if they feel the same. Or maybe they just dont talk about it.
Or maybe like a dear friend said the other day, there will be times that I grieve. Something that stirs the grief up every once in a while. Or maybe time heals....
But my last "at the end of the day" I know, that no matter what happens, weather this feeling ever goes away or not, God made Barrett just the way he is supposed to be. Barrett DOES fit the perfect puzzle piece in my little family. I may never fully understand everything that God had in store for Barrett or the people that he has an impact on , but I do know that extra little 21st chromosome has forever made a beautiful impression on my heart <3

*The twenty-fifth day of October*

Today. It's here. It's rainy.

It comes every year. October 25th. Two years ago, I was hoping it would be Barrett's birthday. But he waited a few days. Even though October happens to be my favorite month for seasons, it also happens to be the most difficult. On the 2nd, my dad would have been 54. Today marks the 4th anniversary that my dad got to meet Jesus. That's what I really should be thinking about. Instead of thinking how badly I miss him. Or how sad it makes me feel that I never was able to see him play with my kids.

But I also know, that grieving helps heal. I have to remind myself that it's still ok to cry about it. Like a big.baby. if you would like to revisit my last year's post, on the right of this page, it's called "on this day in 2008." goodnight, sleep tight~

Let talk about some changes!

I've changeds the look of my blog a little bit. Trying to get more into fall. Trying to get back into my blogging more. I hope that maybe one day I can be at peace enough in my life that I can actually catch you up on all that has been happening.
A little over a year now, I've been really trying to focus on some personal development. Been trying to figure out who I want to be. Not only as a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter...but just who I want Maddi to be. Who God wants Maddi to be. I heard someone say this morning, "If things are good, than you need to be giving. If things are bad, then you need to be growing." I really hope that through this past year, I have been growing into the woman that God wants me to be. Here is just a small portion of my personal developement over the last year. Focusing on my health. Mental and physical.
I'm saying this here and now, the pictures that I'm about to show you has absolutely nothing about being immodest. I took these photos to track my visual results.

But what I do want to do, is inspire someone. Maybe someone who has been in my situation before. Here's my weightloss story:
After pregnancy with both Barrett and Brinklee, I weighed in at a whopping 220 pounds! Even after I had them, I was still about 205. I slowly dropped more weight after settling in to mommyhood.
After having both babies, I battled with post-pardom depression. With Brink, I was able to get medicated, felt better, then stopped taking meds. When she was only 4 months old is when I became pregnant with Barrett. After I had him, I COULD NOT get off meds without falling back into that depression. I stayed depressed for about 8 full months before I decided to take a more natural apporoach. I was so tired of feeling so awful, but I knew that when I made fitness a part of my life (for a very short time) that it made me feel so much better having all those endorphins goin! So I signed myself up for a gym membership, and took a natural supplement from the health food store to help my body start producing it own ceratonin. I didnt even have to finish the bottle! The combo of exercising even just 3 days a week, plus the HTP-5 did it for me. This is what I looked like before any lifestyle changes. sorry, the best one I have.

After a month of being consistent with working out, I felt so discouraged. I hadnt lost a pound. Not 1. My goal wasnt to do it to lose weight, I really just wanted to feel better. But after I started to feel better, I expected some weight loss too dangit! I remember driving on my way home from the gym and crying my eyes out because I was so dissapointed. I cried out to God, that he was gonna have to help me! Obviously it HAD to be my nutrition. Exercising a minimum of 3 days a week, you are supposed to get results. I knew that had to be it. And I knew that I couldnt do it on my own. That God was going to have to help me with my nutrition.
Just a few days prior, I had started reading the book "Skinny Bi*ch". Little did I know that after I was crying out to God that night, that I would go home to read the very chapter of that book that would change my life forever. I had no idea that God would answer my prayer for help, by me becoming a vegetarian! But hey, and answer is an answer I guess. (BTW, I know several people who have read the book and still eat meat, this is just how I mentally responded to it.)
Within about 3 months, me and John both lost about 20 pounds. (John still eating meat, I just quit cooking it for him. Amazing how mens bodys respond so much faster than ours.geez.)
I was held back for a few months after getting injured in a car accident late august, but was able to get back into working out again at the beginning of the year. I had worked hard, working my way up to working out up to 5 days a week, but had plateued in my weight loss journey. I had a number in my head that I wanted to be, but couldnt budge anymore weight. I was working out like crazy, really trying to count my calories, but nothing. And I knew I still had weight to lose. In fact...This was the day I decided to start a 6 week challenge with Fayetteville nutrition.

I also knew, that at this point I was going to have to start using some sort of nutritional suppliments to help me reach my goal.
I had some money saved up to get my tattoo worked on that I stared 4 years ago, and never got to finish, when my friend asked me to sign up for the 6 week weight loss challenge. You can win $500! I felt like my health was more important, and I could always save up again for my tattoo. It helped that my best friend also signed up for the challenge with me.
It was uncomfortable. Kinda like budgeting money. You can splurge now, and skimp later. Or save up for something big. It was hard. Mostly mentally hard.
In 6 weeks of using Herbalife's weight loss plan, I dropped 8 pounds. Doesnt sound like alot, but I couldnt lose a pound more doing what I was doing! Which was requiring much effort! It did so much more for me than just that. It made me realize so much about myself. So much about how I have viewed food my whole life. How much of a source of comfort and happieness its been for me. How much I had relied on it for that. How I didnt even realize that this whole time, that's what it was for me! I was addicted to it!
Nobody really talks about food being an addiction. We talk about drugs, drinking, gambling, smoking cigaretts....but food is something that you HAVE to have to survive. So I think it really gets overlooked alot in the addiction category.
Having to force myself to not eat something when I reeeeeeally wanted to, was so much more difficult than I thought it would be. That's why most give in. Doing the challenge really helped me develop myself as a person. It made me realize who I am, who I want to me. Has helped me even reach goals I never would have thought I would have attempted! I just ran two 5k's in the past month! I cant even believe it!! I hate running!!! But being able to overcome the mental challenge of it made it so worth it!
I never thought that I would have signed up for a 6 week challenge, and I did. Never thought I would have continued to do it after the 6 weeks, and I did. I did it for a full 16 weeks, and wound up losing 16 pounds!!! Here are my pictures that I took each month with my results. This included working out 3 days a week.

Wanna know something else I never would have thought I was going to do? Help other people reach their goals like I did! And now I am! This isnt just a weight loss product. It can be just for pure nutrition. It can be for weight gain. It can be for energy increase. It can be for anybody!!! Not just for weight loss! And now, I'm helping coach other people with whatever their reason is for using it. And I'm truely enjoying it. BTW....my best friend wound up losing 30 pounds in 8 weeks. Pretty incredible.....
I'm also very excited that my mom has recently signed up for a 6 week challenge. she's lost 6 pounds so far, and I'm so excited for her to reach her short term/long term goals, and that I get to help her on this journey.
I feel like God puts certain people in your life for a reason. So thankful for the ones that were put in mine, that led me to where I am now. God has provided for me, a way that I can also help provide for my family's needs part time. To be able to have the flexibility of creating my own schedule, around an already hectic one!
If this is something that you might be interested in for yourself, or someone else, I would love to help you reach your goals too! This isnt just a sell you some product, and there ya go....your on your own. I'm a coach. I am there every step of the way. To answer questions, give tips, encouragment..whatever you need. I'm very excited that God has put this company in my life. It really has helped me start to become the person I feel like God created me to be. Inside and out.

*life*

Life is so short. I forever want to appreciate that. You are never guaranteed tomorrow. Bummer. Cause its so easy to forget, and take each day for granted.
I want to live each day, truely experiencing all that God has for me. Not just some of it. Truely appreciate the little joys in life that can make each day so much more. To really keep my eyes opened to the small blessings in life, instead of focusing on all the large mess ups.
Trying to change your perspective is one of the hardest things. I want to choose to never live in regret. I also want to choose to be the best me that I can be.
I find it difficult to do so, if you surround yourself with people who hardly even support you in dreams, or goals that you want to accomplish. I want to choose to surround myself with people who encourage, and believe in me. Not just because of what they have seen me accomplish by myself(and with God) in the past, but because they honestly believed and supported me from the beginning.
I have a best friend who died for me, just so that I dont have to. So incredibly undeserving, I forget how much I am forgiven. How much I dont deserve forgiveness. But yet why is it so hard to grant it to others. I constantly mess up, and expect to be forgiven. Why cant I expect that of myself, for things that arent close to what I have done? Or maybe I have forgiven, its just hard to forget that it happened.
Things I'm thinking about.
Next post:My herbalife story.