I'm going to go ahead and apologize in advance. This post will be random. Probably not flow very well, because i have so much to say. And not enough time to make it sound amazing. So here it is. Maddi. Unedited. kinda...
When I started this blog, I told myself that this was going to be something that was going to help me be just that. Be myself. Allow myself to be vulnerable. There is something so beautiful about that to me. Maybe the side of me that you don't really see when you see me at church on Sunday. Be real. So...pushing myself once again to share this with you. Some of you may have remembered reading it. Maybe one day, I will actually do something with it.
When I woke up this morning
thought you'd be here.
you were gone
but felt so near.
Pour a cup of coffee
say a prayer.
Got a phone call
shed a tear.
I'm ready to go
but not really ready.
Keep a steady pace
but its not so steady.
Everything you've done
your and amazing man.
I woke up
and only needed to hold your hand.
We were best friends
always would be.
Looked alike
and we were both free.
I feel so alone
but i know your still here.
That's why I'm singing my song.
cause i know your listening
That's why I'm singing my heart
let me know your here with me.
I can feel you in the wind
it feels so good.
Its like
your hugging on my skin.
Every sound i hear
I swear your coming around the corner to me.
Maybe its you
sitting with me in this seat.
This doesn't feel real
its all a big blur.
The lizard on the porch
by the elephant ear
reminds me that
we're all still here.
Takes me back to reality
and here she comes.
We're all still a family
just minus one.
On this day, in 2008
I lost one of my best friends. My daddy. We had our good times and our bad. But today, I'm remembering everything. That awful day I got that phone call. The one that I just couldn't believe was true, since I had been waiting for this dreaded phone call for six years. The day that my dads life ended, a new one began. One that would change my life forever. A new life with a new best friend. His name is Jesus.
Now I'm not going to get into a bunch of "churchy" stuff, cause that stuff has made me uncomfortable my whole life. This is a relationship. Not a religion. I stumbled upon a Facebook page today that I really enjoyed. Its called "Christians tired of being misrepresented." This is how I feel. I feel awful for the people that have been hurt by the church. With the industry I work in, I have worked with a lot of gays. Gays that have been hurt by Christians.This is something that is such a sore spot in my heart. And maybe only 2 of you know why. And I want my boss to know, that I love him NO MATTER WHAT. I am a christian, but it is not my job to judge you. I don't want others to judge me. I want to show others Gods love, through me.
So here's the story: This new relationship that I started 3 years ago, was actually a revisit. I grew up going through the motions. Church every time the door was open. But this is different. There were so many things that happened when my dad died that were absolutely amazing. All these things were incredible to me because even how small some of them are, they meant something to me. And God knew that. And to think about how he would do such things for me, really made me realize how much he loves me. Why would he do something like that for me? Who am I? I'm nobody compared to him. I'm a speck. A nothing. A nothing that has done some pretty awful things. But NO MATTER WHAT! God still loved me. THAT is how I strive to love others. God loved me when I had no reason to be better. He loved me when I was a little stoner. He loved me when I had pre-marital sex. He loved me when I didn't love him. And this my friends, makes me love HIM even more. God is a gracious person. I don't think that a lot of people really know how loving he is. But I have experienced it. And still am. There is so much that I still battle with. But guess what? He still loves me. And he still shows me. Even down to the tiniest little things.
How could such an awful thing produce so many positive, life changing ones? GOD!
First of all. God gave my dad the best gift of all: A tree killing him instead of his health.
When I woke up the next morning after the accident, I turned on "the coffeehouse" on Sirius, and all the songs spoke to me just at the right moment. comforted me. small, but i needed it. He knew that.
For the longest time, I have been writing. Writing down my feelings. And it makes me feel better. I've always struggled with making it into something more. something that sounds good. something that could possibly be turned into a song. I really believe that sometimes there are defining moments in songwriters lives where a switch flips. Now, am I saying that everything that I write now, is for a song? No. obviously. I write to you every week. But something was different that next morning. It flowed better. I felt like God gave that to me. Something that I wanted so badly. The poem above, was what I wrote that next morning.
My mom happened to already have a flight booked a week after this happened, to come see me. Imagine that. God knew I was going to need my mom.Who was a missionary in a different country. Who only came back into our country every 6 months. And need her not at the funeral, but when it was all over. The week after. When i was back at home. see, its even little things like this that shows me how much God loves me.
For a long time my old co-worker kept inviting me to visit her church, which I had done a few times. But each of those times I visited, I hardly met anyone. Anyone that made me feel comfortable enough to WANT to come back. Not saying that it was a bad experience, it just didn't make me feel like "Man! I have got to be here every Sunday!" My friend just happened to invite me to church the Sunday before my dad died. And on that Sunday, she just happened to forget she was working the nursery that day. So she was then forced to introduce me to some of her close friends that would sit with me so I wasn't by myself. I also went to their small group that evening because I'm a pushover, and couldn't say no.
When I got to my dad's funeral and saw that the small group I had attended only once, sent a plant to me there, I was overwhelmed with love and support from these people. I HAD TO GO BACK. At that moment, they showed me GODS LOVE. And I wanted to experience more of this, directly from the source. I fed off of it. And have ever since. I cant go without it now. I need it. And I have to admit. I have seriously gone and smoked a joint after church. I have seriously come to church hungover. But guess what? All that matters, is that I was there. And that's where i was supposed to be. Where God wants me to be. God doesnt expect you to change before you decide to start coming to church. He takes you exactly how you are. He took me exactly how I was. He takes me exactly how I am.
If it wasn't for this one co-worker in my life, I would be a COMPLETELY different person. If it wasn't for that little urge that she had to call me up and invite me that one Sunday morning, everything would be different. Everything happened just in time. Just at the right time. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. EVERYTHING. even small things. I truly believe this.
The very last conversation I had with my dad, he said to me "Well, you need to have some babies soon. Gotta make me a grandpa. Guess what? A month after he died, this one was created:
Then when that one was only 4 months old, this one. this precious angel of God. We had no idea how much this baby with an extra 21st chromosome would change our lives. Give us a new set of eyes to see through.
I really wanted to take some pictures of us today, because I went and did the grieving thing. I wanted to think about those two beautiful babies that came out of this whole thing. Me and John were planning on waiting at least a couple of more years. But as one life ended, a new one needed to begin. Wanna make God laugh? Tell him your plans.
Coming up here this week where my dad lived, inspired me to take some pics today. I know its kinda depressing to take pictures of a headstone, but i really wanted to capture something else. The other beauty in it. The beauty that I can catch in the reflection. Something that could seem so awful, could still produce such beauty. I love this for my life. Because that's exactly what happened. Look closely. You will see.
I love you Daddy. I hope God allows you to peer into our lives even for a second, just so you can see your beautiful grand babies.
When I started this blog, I told myself that this was going to be something that was going to help me be just that. Be myself. Allow myself to be vulnerable. There is something so beautiful about that to me. Maybe the side of me that you don't really see when you see me at church on Sunday. Be real. So...pushing myself once again to share this with you. Some of you may have remembered reading it. Maybe one day, I will actually do something with it.
When I woke up this morning
thought you'd be here.
you were gone
but felt so near.
Pour a cup of coffee
say a prayer.
Got a phone call
shed a tear.
I'm ready to go
but not really ready.
Keep a steady pace
but its not so steady.
Everything you've done
your and amazing man.
I woke up
and only needed to hold your hand.
We were best friends
always would be.
Looked alike
and we were both free.
I feel so alone
but i know your still here.
That's why I'm singing my song.
cause i know your listening
That's why I'm singing my heart
let me know your here with me.
I can feel you in the wind
it feels so good.
Its like
your hugging on my skin.
Every sound i hear
I swear your coming around the corner to me.
Maybe its you
sitting with me in this seat.
This doesn't feel real
its all a big blur.
The lizard on the porch
by the elephant ear
reminds me that
we're all still here.
Takes me back to reality
and here she comes.
We're all still a family
just minus one.
On this day, in 2008
I lost one of my best friends. My daddy. We had our good times and our bad. But today, I'm remembering everything. That awful day I got that phone call. The one that I just couldn't believe was true, since I had been waiting for this dreaded phone call for six years. The day that my dads life ended, a new one began. One that would change my life forever. A new life with a new best friend. His name is Jesus.
Now I'm not going to get into a bunch of "churchy" stuff, cause that stuff has made me uncomfortable my whole life. This is a relationship. Not a religion. I stumbled upon a Facebook page today that I really enjoyed. Its called "Christians tired of being misrepresented." This is how I feel. I feel awful for the people that have been hurt by the church. With the industry I work in, I have worked with a lot of gays. Gays that have been hurt by Christians.This is something that is such a sore spot in my heart. And maybe only 2 of you know why. And I want my boss to know, that I love him NO MATTER WHAT. I am a christian, but it is not my job to judge you. I don't want others to judge me. I want to show others Gods love, through me.
So here's the story: This new relationship that I started 3 years ago, was actually a revisit. I grew up going through the motions. Church every time the door was open. But this is different. There were so many things that happened when my dad died that were absolutely amazing. All these things were incredible to me because even how small some of them are, they meant something to me. And God knew that. And to think about how he would do such things for me, really made me realize how much he loves me. Why would he do something like that for me? Who am I? I'm nobody compared to him. I'm a speck. A nothing. A nothing that has done some pretty awful things. But NO MATTER WHAT! God still loved me. THAT is how I strive to love others. God loved me when I had no reason to be better. He loved me when I was a little stoner. He loved me when I had pre-marital sex. He loved me when I didn't love him. And this my friends, makes me love HIM even more. God is a gracious person. I don't think that a lot of people really know how loving he is. But I have experienced it. And still am. There is so much that I still battle with. But guess what? He still loves me. And he still shows me. Even down to the tiniest little things.
How could such an awful thing produce so many positive, life changing ones? GOD!
First of all. God gave my dad the best gift of all: A tree killing him instead of his health.
When I woke up the next morning after the accident, I turned on "the coffeehouse" on Sirius, and all the songs spoke to me just at the right moment. comforted me. small, but i needed it. He knew that.
For the longest time, I have been writing. Writing down my feelings. And it makes me feel better. I've always struggled with making it into something more. something that sounds good. something that could possibly be turned into a song. I really believe that sometimes there are defining moments in songwriters lives where a switch flips. Now, am I saying that everything that I write now, is for a song? No. obviously. I write to you every week. But something was different that next morning. It flowed better. I felt like God gave that to me. Something that I wanted so badly. The poem above, was what I wrote that next morning.
My mom happened to already have a flight booked a week after this happened, to come see me. Imagine that. God knew I was going to need my mom.Who was a missionary in a different country. Who only came back into our country every 6 months. And need her not at the funeral, but when it was all over. The week after. When i was back at home. see, its even little things like this that shows me how much God loves me.
For a long time my old co-worker kept inviting me to visit her church, which I had done a few times. But each of those times I visited, I hardly met anyone. Anyone that made me feel comfortable enough to WANT to come back. Not saying that it was a bad experience, it just didn't make me feel like "Man! I have got to be here every Sunday!" My friend just happened to invite me to church the Sunday before my dad died. And on that Sunday, she just happened to forget she was working the nursery that day. So she was then forced to introduce me to some of her close friends that would sit with me so I wasn't by myself. I also went to their small group that evening because I'm a pushover, and couldn't say no.
When I got to my dad's funeral and saw that the small group I had attended only once, sent a plant to me there, I was overwhelmed with love and support from these people. I HAD TO GO BACK. At that moment, they showed me GODS LOVE. And I wanted to experience more of this, directly from the source. I fed off of it. And have ever since. I cant go without it now. I need it. And I have to admit. I have seriously gone and smoked a joint after church. I have seriously come to church hungover. But guess what? All that matters, is that I was there. And that's where i was supposed to be. Where God wants me to be. God doesnt expect you to change before you decide to start coming to church. He takes you exactly how you are. He took me exactly how I was. He takes me exactly how I am.
If it wasn't for this one co-worker in my life, I would be a COMPLETELY different person. If it wasn't for that little urge that she had to call me up and invite me that one Sunday morning, everything would be different. Everything happened just in time. Just at the right time. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. EVERYTHING. even small things. I truly believe this.
The very last conversation I had with my dad, he said to me "Well, you need to have some babies soon. Gotta make me a grandpa. Guess what? A month after he died, this one was created:
Then when that one was only 4 months old, this one. this precious angel of God. We had no idea how much this baby with an extra 21st chromosome would change our lives. Give us a new set of eyes to see through.
I really wanted to take some pictures of us today, because I went and did the grieving thing. I wanted to think about those two beautiful babies that came out of this whole thing. Me and John were planning on waiting at least a couple of more years. But as one life ended, a new one needed to begin. Wanna make God laugh? Tell him your plans.
Coming up here this week where my dad lived, inspired me to take some pics today. I know its kinda depressing to take pictures of a headstone, but i really wanted to capture something else. The other beauty in it. The beauty that I can catch in the reflection. Something that could seem so awful, could still produce such beauty. I love this for my life. Because that's exactly what happened. Look closely. You will see.
I love you Daddy. I hope God allows you to peer into our lives even for a second, just so you can see your beautiful grand babies.
3 comments:
Hi Maddi, Its been years since I've seen you at Casa Bernabe all those years ago, but I just read your blog and wanted to say it was really touching to read your story and experience of God showing his love to you in such a hard place... it never ceases to amaze me that He always knows how to 'individually' love us... doing those things that only WE know means so much to our hearts.
Thank you for sharing your story and being vulnerable! As someone who has lost my mum & brother, I know grief is a hard road...but I don't know where I would be without the very real comfort of a loving Father.
take care
narelle x
Just beautiful ♥
So glad you have a personal relationship with Jesus. He is the source of our strength and the giver of our help. I'm sure your daddy has been keeping an eye on you.. and is very proud of the mother and wife you are! : )
Post a Comment