That Trip to Holland: A Birth Story

As I sit here. Preparing myself to write this. Pandora will be my help tonight. Some how, just the right music can give me just what I need to Get a little creative. This is something that I have wanted to write since I was inspired by THIS . I have shared her birth story on facebook once before. Its one I could read a million times.

I fear that I wont do this story justice. Barrett's story. This is not as fresh in my memory, and that's when you can have some strong creative emotion behind things. This was only a year ago, and now that I'm past the initial grieving phase, its hard to remember what it was like when I felt very differently about Barrett.

As I'm looking at Barrett sitting next to me, blowing raspberries at me, I write this for him. This is for my beautiful baby boy. I must be his advocate. I want to help others that may at one point go through what we have been through. Now, I know everyone's story is different. And it will not be quite the same. But there is something so magical that is shared between two people that know what its like in one way or another to have experienced a similar event such as ours:

I prayed that Barrett would be born Friday October 29th. Simply because it was a friday, and I didnt want John to have to take off any work, get home by sunday, and him be back to work on monday. Friday, my doctor called me about 12:30 pm, he was so kind as to tell me that he would be going out of town the next day and would be unavailable for a full 24hours.(the day before my due date. Geee...thanks doc.) So I was so kind as to let him know that I would immediately be taking castor oil.

Within just about 3 hours, I was having pretty strong Braxton Hicks (fake) contractions. I could feel that they were helping me progress tho. Its crazy to think about, as this was happening I was cutting hair in my dining room. I did 3 haircuts in the last 3 hours before I actually went into labor.

Since I had taken castor oil, I went ahead and arranged for Johns dad to pick up Brinklee on his way home from work.
When John got home from work, we hopped in the shower. Obviously I wont go into detail on this, but I cant even explain the feelings that were happening at that moment. The feeling of knowing that this could quite possibly be the very last alone time together being parents of 1. Really cherishing that feeling was amazing.
We decided to go on a walk afterwards, to try to get things going. We made it about a block before I had a great idea. Lets go up to the Prominade mall in Rogers, walk around, grab something to eat? If I  dont go into labor, we had a nice date night. But if I do go into labor, the hospital is right across the street.
Within about 7 minutes of us being on the highway, I had my first real contraction. So I decided to start timing them. They were only 3 minutes apart, and lasting a full minute. My doula happened to call me to see how I was feeling. I let her know that my contractions were starting, and she asked me to give her a call when we decided to head to the hospital because she was near, eating dinner. By the time we were taking the exit to go walk around the mall, my contractions were coming so fast, and so hard that we just decided to head to Mercy.
When they first checked me, I was at a 4. Definatley in labor. Since I was having a water birth, I couldnt get into the birthing pool until I was at least a 5 so It wouldnt slow my labor down. About an hour later, I was a 5. We started filling up the pool. My doula ran to the store real quick to get John something to eat.  When the pool was done being filled, it was too hot for me to get into. It took FOREVER (one hour) to get it back down to maximum temperature of 100 degrees. By that time, I was 7cm dialated. So man, I was ready to get in, and get some pain relief.
We forgot our camara in the car. So as I was getting into the tub, my doula ran down to the car to go get it. Man! It felt become getting into that water. Whew! It helped relax me sooo much. But as I was relaxing, it really started to make me progress. I remember that very first contraction I had in the water. It was different. I was expecting my contractions to not be as painful, since the water is supposed to be a natural pain reliever. But since it was helping Barrett come more quickly, that wasnt the case. I was feeling alot of pressure, and thank God my doula had just gotten back in the room. I told her and the nurse about the pressure, and the nurse said "Well of course your feeling pressure! There's a head down there. But I'll check you again, if it will make you feel better." Well, yes please nurse! Thanks! She said "Nope! You're still a 7," then left the room. Just then, my mom called John to find out which exit to take to the hospital. He told her, and then quickly hung up the phone after saying "I gotta go!" My doula said "Maddi, if you feel like you need to push in this next contraction, you tell me. I will go get that nurse!" Sure enough, that very next contraction, I NEEDED to push.
My doctor wasnt even there yet. Yikes :/ The nurse started freaking out when she came back in, because I was needing to push.   She kept telling me that I was going to need to get out of the pool, and up on the bed because she wasnt trained to deliever this baby in water. Ha. Yeah. Right. I couldnt even move, let alone stand up, climb over the side of the pool, and up on a bed. So I started panting through another contraction, trying not to push. As soon as I saw his face come in that room with that next contraction, I started pushing. Just a couple of good ones, and there he was....





Just after I had him, I hear my mom knock on the door and call my name. I said "Hey mom!" She couldnt believe I had him already! She was just on the phone with john, and was just getting in at a 7.
Thank God my doctor got there when he did. From my very first contraction, to having Barrett was only 3 1/2 hours. I couldnt believe it! I couldnt believe he was already here! My last labor(only 13 months before) was only 9 hours, but labor didnt start until 1 am. So by the time I had her, I was dillusional. I couldnt hardly hold her. I felt amazing this time! It didnt even feel like I had just had a baby. I felt so good.

          

Since I had Barrett after 10 pm, when they took him to the nursury for all of his cleaning/testing it was late when we got him back into our room. After 2. Little did I know that would be the first, and last night staying with eachother for the next 2 weeks.
The next morning about 9am, they took him for his circumsision. We were wondering why after several hours, they had still not brought him back to us. And nobody was telling us anything. Finally about 3pm, they brought him to us. He was hooked up to a pulse ox monitor. The tech said that he quit breathing during his circumsion, and turned blue. She only told us how to turn the alarm off on the monitor when it beeps, but never said we needed to alert a nurse. So we just kept turning off that monitor, enjoying our new little bundle of joy~

         

                                                             

                                                              

During the next few hours, we kept telling the nurses that he's kept turning blue as he would start getting into a deep sleep. They took him to the nursury to keep an eye on him. He then was later admitted to the NICU. We just couldnt figure out why his oxygen levels werent staying high enough. He was on alot of oxygen. They said his blood was a little thick, and that maybe it wasnt carrying oxygen well enough. So they performed a procedure through his imbillical cord that thinned his blood. That only temperarily helped.  Over the next several days, they discovered that he was refluxing, had swallowing problems, then was aspirating my milk. So I had to start  pumping and thickening it. But Barrett was still not able get off oxygen.

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I remember when the the possibility of something being "wrong" was introduced. A week after he was born, and had been staying in the NICU. It was done (in my opinion) one of the worst ways. Alone. John was not with me. I'm sure there could be a lot worse. But to me, all I remember is being in the NICU, and from across the room, holding up my bundle of joy so that my church friend could see Barrett for the first time. John was with my friend on the other side of the window. He was hooked up to many things, so I couldn't bring him close to the window. John was standing out there with her smiling, laughing at Barretts crazy hair (me and my friend both do hair). The pediatrician that had been taking care of Barrett came up to me and was discussing how every single test he had, was perfect. But they wanted to do a chromosome test. I had no idea what that meant. He explained to me that he had only a few features that would lead them to believe he might have down syndrome. But, the features he did have, any baby could have. As he was telling me all of this, my friend was smiling through the window admiring how beautiful Barrett was. All along, trying to keep a smile on my face so that my friend didn't know any thing was wrong. It was time to nurse him, and I was just praying to God that she wouldn't be in the room when I got back. I sat there looking at this beautiful baby boy that looked so perfect. Not having john there with me when being told something like that, was awful. I remember that long walk back to the room I was staying in, where john was. When I opened that door...and saw that Leann wasnt there, I started sobbing. John had no clue. It was so hard for me to just even gain enough composure to tell him what the doctor said. But he was strong. When I was weak. Just what I needed.

That next week staying there was so difficult. People constantly asking how Barrett was. If they had figured out what was wrong. Not wanting to tell anyone about the test, simply because we had no doubt in our minds that Barrett's test would come out with a positive result. He looked so "normal." To us, he just looked like Barrett.
My pastor had called me earlier that week, and asked if I needed anything. When I was feeling so depressed(suffered and still battle post-pardom depression,) its hard to actually say you need something. Its hard to even talk to someone. I was kind of numb. I wound up calling him back and telling him that I really needed some good positive music in my hospital room. He brought me up a cd player, and burnt me a cd. The very first track on the cd struck me the most. And everytime I hear it, it takes me back to that time. I cry. Everytime I hear it. I remember that day that the doctors wanted to test him. I remember John returning home that night Brinklee, (13 months old at the time) so he could drop her off with someone in the morning so he could go to work. I remember me sitting there. All alone. Turning on this cd, hearing this song. Falling on my knees praying to God. That if he would just let him get well, so I could take him home....I would do ANYTHING. Anything. Little did I know....
PLease watch this video. THis song gave me such comfort and peace during the lowest point in my life. Maybe you will think about it next time you are going through something awful.


carry me


that following Sunday, me and john attended our church. We really needed to just get outta that hospital, but also needed to feel Gods presence in our life. They called us up front to pray for us, and Barrett. That a miracle would happen By the time we hot back to the hospital. And it did! Barrett was off his oxygen.

 I would sit there, all day every day for two and a half weeks, by myself. Just waiting until the next 2 hour mark to go visit and feed Barrett. Most mothers would pump, and bring a supply to the hospital and just let the nurses feed the babies and go back home. Since I lived in fayetteville, and Mercy is in Rogers, I stayed at the hospital. I had to get up in the middle of the night to pump anyway, so I wanted that time with Barrett to feed him. I was exhausted.It was so hard to bond with him. Hard to bond with a baby, that I couldnt even nurse anymore. Every mother knows how crucial those first couple of weeks are, for bonding with your baby. And any nursing mother knows how much nursing helps with that bonding. It was taken away from me. I realized that this is what HE needed to get better, and I would have to get over that.



After they took the test, the waiting sucked. They said it would take 10-12 days to get the results. I had been around a little girl closely with down syndrome when I was 17 in Guatemala, so was able to recognize the features. There were times when I would look at him, and see it. Only if his tounge was sticking out. (Which alot of newborns just, do.) I kept in my mind just denying the possibility. John did too. But John had never really been around anyone with it to see it. We only had to wait about a week to find out the test results.

A few days before we got his test results, I was feeding Barrett in the NICU, And noticed a couple with their premie across the room. I overheard a nurse talking to then, explaining how their son had some features that would lead then to believe that he has down syndrome. My heart was breaking for them. I knew exactly how it felt to get that news. How awful it felt. I sat there, and witnessed them hearing that news. As they left the room, I was close behind. Both our rooms where in the same wing together. I remember watching them walk in front of me, hand In hand talking. I could only imagine what they were saying. I hurt so badly for them, I was just in tears watching them in front of me. I really believe that God put us In eachothers lives during that time. IT was nice to have someone else that was going through the same thing, and That we could all talk about it together.(This couple is now also a part of our wonderfull local support group.)

The day came, earlier than expected. John had went into the NICU to visit Barrett, and came back a little quicker than usual, With Dr. Johnson. The look on Johns face when he walked into the room. I knew something was wrong. I wasnt sitting down, and when the doctor asked me to, I knew. My worst nightmare. (at that time.) Dr Johnson was so kind when he spoke those words to us. "Barretts chromosome test came back with results that I hate having to share with you." I just remember sitting there, with tears filling my eyes. I couldnt say anything. Anything. Nothing. I had no questions in my head. I was numb. It was a blur. I remember looking over at John, with his eyes filled with tears. I remember the spoken words "Barrett's not going to be like Brinklee." It hurt. Bad. But one thing that he did say that will forever stay in my heart was "Out of all the parents of my patients, you guys are the ones that I hate having to tell this to the most. But out of all of them, I cant think of any parents greater for this baby, than you."
Within just 2 days of this, everything was figured out with Barrett. Why they couldn't keep his oxygen levels high enough, until then. Sleep apnea. Common with DS babies. He needed caffeine. He was able to leave the NICU, and room in with us. Getting ready to take him home. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, for those last 2 nights in the hospital. Barrett being in the room with us, finally. I had been dreaming of that night, for two weeks. And it was here. And it didnt feel the way I thought it would. I know this sounds bad, but I felt no connection with him. We lost the baby we thought we had. I felt like I didnt know him. To the average person, this sounds awful. But really. It was like Barrett died. I had no idea who this baby was in the room with me. (Seriously.)
I think that every couple/parent has different situations when they hear the news we got. I never hear any of my friends that also have a DS baby talk about feeling like this. And I guess maybe because they either don't want to talk about how they felt that way, or it just didn't affect them the way it did me. I really hope that there is someone else out there that felt the same way as I did. Only because I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I EVER felt that way. Not that I want someone else to feel the pain of guilt, because it sucks. It haunts me. But because I'm hoping that it was somewhat normal?
That first week, it was hard for me and John to tell people. We were still processing this. It wasn't that we didn't want anyone to know. Not because we were ashamed. We just weren't ready to talk about it yet. We really had no clue what this meant for us. For Barrett. Everything we found online said the same thing. Your baby will be "mentally retarded." we didn't even tell Johns side of the family (besides his parents) until Thanksgiving. About a month later. And even then, we really didn't have much to say. We really didnt know WHAT to say. I mean, nobody else really did either. I mean, what do you say to something like that?

I have had a beautiful friend of mine, becca, that had her baby just 5 short weeks before Barrett was born. Best friends. Pregnant together. Talking about how our little boys would be best friends.

I remember telling her on the phone, that something was wrong, and I wanted to tell her in person. She understood. I could tell in her voice over the phone that she was in pain for me. She even gave me a few days after we got home from the hospital to wait to come over. When I told her, the first thing she said to me was "Oh man! I thought it was gonna be alot worse than that!" At the time, I didnt understand. Now looking back on it, IT COULD BE SOOOOO MUCH WORSE!!! But there was nothing that she could have said at that point to make me feel better about Barretts diagnosis. Because at that time, that WAS the worst that could happen.

I really wasnt even comfortable talking about it with people for a long time.About 6 months. Now that I counted it, I cant believe it took me that long. It took me so long to bond with him. I dont remember Becca ever asking questions. She was there when I needed her to do exactly what I needed. Say nothing. She could tell I wasn't ready to talk about it. I was in turmoil. I also didnt really even know alot about DS. When I was ready, she walked along side me, and asked questions in time. But now she knows, I'm ready to embrace this. I have accepted this beautiful little blessing. I have a new set of eyes. Ones that can See beauty in everything.

I think about the first time that I told a complete stranger about Barrett. I was at a wedding. It was a friend of a friend. I remember how freeing it felt. It was like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. I have to say, that was a defining moment in my life. And a couple of my close friends were there to witness the beauty of that moment.

I remember a time when I was pregnant with Barrett. I saw a couple with their little girl that has DS. I will never forgot the feeling that I had when I saw them.I had never felt like this about anyone that I could tell had a diagnosis. My feelings were full of empathy. I guess maybe because I had I little girl of my own, and a baby inside of me. I remember thinking that I couldn't imagine what that would be like. I honestly think that it was then, that God was just preparing my heart for Barrett.

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 Sometimes when I see people doing things, or things they say...I just think to myself" you really have no clue. You have no idea what is really important in life. But one day, something will happen. And it will test you. It will test you because you will have to decide on how this will affect you. Will you make the most out of ? Will you actually view it as a wake up call? " 

When I read this poem for the first time, it brought me to tears. IT was perfect. it was exactly what I needed to hear. This poem has given me a constant reminder on how to keep things in perspective. PLease watch this. I want you to know how this feels...



welcome to holland by emily kingsley


I have definitely reached the point where PEople are comin and going from Italy and bragging about it. But you know what? Most parents want their babies to stay babies longer than they do. And I get to experience that!

Sometimes its hard for me to even believe that God chose us for Barrett. You never really think something like this would happen to you. Sometimes I wonder "why us?" I guess it was just meant to be. Welcome to my Holland.....