I've heard of this movie ever since I've had Barrett. I'm glad I've waited till now to watch it. But even then, I still have mixed feelings about it.
Same thing about when I worked a booth at a local polo event this summer, that is centered around a program for people with disabilities.
It was the first event that I've ever really attended besides our local support group (consists mostly of children with down syndrome) that I would be around several adults with down syndrome.
My initial feelings: Hope. Hope that Barrett will one day grow up and have friends. Friends that he could attend functions with. Friends that he could sit around and joke with like the 4 guys drinking Dr. Pepper that I went up to and introduced myself to at polo. Hope that eventually there would be others like me, that would go and have a conversation with Barrett and his buddies even tho they are strangers. Just because they share something in common. Something as small as an extra chromosome, with their son who is just a baby.
But after being there a while. Staying until the band played. Dancing with everyone. I started to feel something different. Just like at the beginning of the movie. I laughed! I thought this couple that both had down syndrome were adorable, they made me smile! So much! But towards the end, came my mixed feelings. At the end of polo, no matter how much hope it had given me, at the end of the day....I still have a child that has a mental retardation.
There I said it. No matter how many friends Barrett has, how independant, or how high functioning Barrett can be....at the end of the day, my child will still have a handful of challenges to overcome.
In the movie...I thought it was so beautiful how these two people with down syndrome had fallen in love, and gotten married. Had friends. Had part time jobs. But at the end of the day, they still lived with her parents.
I also realize that at the end of the day, its also up to me to decide how independant I ALLOW Barrett to be. Monica's parents enjoyed taking care of her. And following her arround everywhere. And have her live with them. But when she wouldnt even allow the couple to head down to the beach by themselves, because there are strangers there...it made me realize that they also didnt have the opportunity to be as independant as they probably could have handled.
I guess I'm writing this because, when you bring light to a dark place...there is room for healing. This part of my heart has not healed yet. And I always think about all of my HOLLAND mom friends, and wonder if they feel the same. Or maybe they just dont talk about it.
Or maybe like a dear friend said the other day, there will be times that I grieve. Something that stirs the grief up every once in a while. Or maybe time heals....
But my last "at the end of the day" I know, that no matter what happens, weather this feeling ever goes away or not, God made Barrett just the way he is supposed to be. Barrett DOES fit the perfect puzzle piece in my little family. I may never fully understand everything that God had in store for Barrett or the people that he has an impact on , but I do know that extra little 21st chromosome has forever made a beautiful impression on my heart <3
Same thing about when I worked a booth at a local polo event this summer, that is centered around a program for people with disabilities.
It was the first event that I've ever really attended besides our local support group (consists mostly of children with down syndrome) that I would be around several adults with down syndrome.
My initial feelings: Hope. Hope that Barrett will one day grow up and have friends. Friends that he could attend functions with. Friends that he could sit around and joke with like the 4 guys drinking Dr. Pepper that I went up to and introduced myself to at polo. Hope that eventually there would be others like me, that would go and have a conversation with Barrett and his buddies even tho they are strangers. Just because they share something in common. Something as small as an extra chromosome, with their son who is just a baby.
But after being there a while. Staying until the band played. Dancing with everyone. I started to feel something different. Just like at the beginning of the movie. I laughed! I thought this couple that both had down syndrome were adorable, they made me smile! So much! But towards the end, came my mixed feelings. At the end of polo, no matter how much hope it had given me, at the end of the day....I still have a child that has a mental retardation.
There I said it. No matter how many friends Barrett has, how independant, or how high functioning Barrett can be....at the end of the day, my child will still have a handful of challenges to overcome.
In the movie...I thought it was so beautiful how these two people with down syndrome had fallen in love, and gotten married. Had friends. Had part time jobs. But at the end of the day, they still lived with her parents.
I also realize that at the end of the day, its also up to me to decide how independant I ALLOW Barrett to be. Monica's parents enjoyed taking care of her. And following her arround everywhere. And have her live with them. But when she wouldnt even allow the couple to head down to the beach by themselves, because there are strangers there...it made me realize that they also didnt have the opportunity to be as independant as they probably could have handled.
I guess I'm writing this because, when you bring light to a dark place...there is room for healing. This part of my heart has not healed yet. And I always think about all of my HOLLAND mom friends, and wonder if they feel the same. Or maybe they just dont talk about it.
Or maybe like a dear friend said the other day, there will be times that I grieve. Something that stirs the grief up every once in a while. Or maybe time heals....
But my last "at the end of the day" I know, that no matter what happens, weather this feeling ever goes away or not, God made Barrett just the way he is supposed to be. Barrett DOES fit the perfect puzzle piece in my little family. I may never fully understand everything that God had in store for Barrett or the people that he has an impact on , but I do know that extra little 21st chromosome has forever made a beautiful impression on my heart <3
1 comment:
Dear, sweet Maddi... Was it really over 6 months ago that we met at that beautiful wedding prep? I'm sad to hear that you're having to start your life over. I'm sitting here in tears (i finally caught up on your blog, wow) and I am so amazed at your strength. I feel your strength in every line I read. I see your beautiful children and honey, they look happy. They are happy. They have a beautiful momma that takes care of them and loves on them. That's all we can do with our kids, you know? I wish I could offer lots of advice, but as you can tell, I'm still trying to figure it out. Find that Jesus. Hold on to Him. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and His beautiful family. I know He's looking out for all of us.
ALSO- I never knew you had gone through all that weight stuff. You're INSPIRING! In fact, I've been contemplating a marathon and after reading your post, I think I'm going to do it :) you have definitely inspired me. Please know you're not alone. I'm only a blog, 2 cities, and a phone call away. Take care girl!! XO
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